Choices.... Everyone's but mine

Being adopted is something that adoptees have no choice in. In fact, it is the choices of those around us that decide how our lives will play out, or at least at the start.

Our birthmother made the choice to place us for adoption. Perhaps reluctantly or without other options. Sometimes they are able to choose the family that we the child will go to, sometimes an agency makes that decision.

Our adoptive family made the choice to adopt us.  Often this is because the option of having a biological child is not an option at all.  Adoption is almost never someone’s first choice. 

In an open adoption, adoptive and birth parents decide together how often visits will happen, how communication will be handled.  Unfortunately, this can start a push and pull between “sides”. There is so much pain and fear, that the most important part of the equation can be overlooked; when the ONLY focus should be on the child and what they need or may want in the future.  The hope is of course, that this works well for all involved, but it can break down for a variety of reasons. “It’s that person’s fault”, “I felt they were not fair”, “it’s not working for me”….unfortunately the child is the one that loses out in this battle.

So where does that leave us? This can be a struggle for adoptees as they try to balance the fact that they were relinquished and that they could have “ended up” anywhere.  This affects both adoptees who feel they were placed in the right home and others that feel resentful about the adoption altogether.  I have often considered that if my mom didn’t struggle with infertility, experiencing many miscarriages and going through that pain, who knows who my family would be… it’s surreal to even think of.  I don’t want another family, this one is mine. 

I would hope that both biological and adoptive families have the best of intentions in the choices that they make, deciding what life will look like for this little baby.

Where is the balance? Some adoptees describe their reunion with their birthmother as the first time they feel safe, secure and “at home”.  However, this reunion typically occurs at least 18 years after the child was born (as an example).  Is it fair at this point to say that they should have stayed with their birthmothers, or is it possible that the years that have passed have provided the opportunity to grow and develop into the person they are now? It is wonderful at any point to develop a relationship with someone that loves you.  You can never have too many people that love you. But, do we as adoptees romanticize this relationship? Especially in the beginning stages.  We of course are very different people from who we were at birth but think of how much life changes you in 18 years.  We grow, learn about ourselves, learn about others, understand the world, love, get hurt, heal and move forward.  Is it possible that the reason we are able to have a relationship now is because of the growth and opportunity we have both had during this time in-between? 

So, when is the choice ours? 

When do we get to decide the path our own life will take?

I don’t think any child at birth has the opportunity to choose what their life will look like.  Before a child is born they don't have the opportunity to decide if they are born into a home plagued with addiction or not, or a child born into an single child home or a home with multiple siblings.  A child has no bearing on whether they are born into a wealthy or poor home, a home with one parent or two. The truth is, whether we are adopted or born into our biological family we have absolutely zero ability to make that choice for ourselves.  The only hope an infant can have is that the adults in their lives make good decisions with the child’s interests at heart and acts on them in that way. 

However, as we grow up and gain independence, we are able to make choices for ourselves.  When those choices relate to our life circumstance sometimes they need to be made with our own interests at heart.  In the case of adoption, this choice is often to seek out our biological family.  When I made this decision, I worried if it would hurt my adoptive parents, I worried about what I would find.  However, it was something I felt I wanted to do, even if I ended up getting hurt.  I started the journey on my own but not very long after reuniting with our birthmother, I planned a dinner with my adoptive parents, birthmother and her husband (I call him my step-dad).  I was anxious but also excited… I know they were all completely freaking out.  I will go into detail about this dinner in a future post, as there is way too much detail to explain here; but the important part was that it was MY choice.  This was the first choice I made that affected EVERYONE ELSE! Needless to say, this dinner was intense, it exposed pain and insecurities from everyone.  However, everyone else had entered into this understanding as an adult and had 21 years to process it…I had been born into it, and now I needed this to happen.  My family was expanding, not being replaced. I needed them all on board, even if it hurt them. 

I am so grateful to everyone for standing up and facing this head on with me, this will be a process we work through for our entire lives. Although I am leading the steps, it takes bravery, love and endurance from all sides.  No one can decide what situation they are born into, but we all have the power to make choices and take control of our lives in every way. The challenge is, to face the fear of what might be underneath and that in itself can be terrifying.

I have asked many questions here and would love to hear your responses.  These views are my own and feel we can only grow and learn when we engage with others and try to understand their journey as well.

Sincerely,

PCF