Fear of the Unknown - Why I Decided to Search for my Birth Mother.
To those who were raised with their genetic family, it may
seem that searching for your birth mother would be an obvious choice. For me at least, it was not.
Before I start, I should note, that my parents and I share
the same race, so it was not apparent to anyone that my genetic heritage may be
different from the rest of my family.
Growing up, I was the only child I knew that was adopted. It wasn’t until high school that I met
another adoptee. As early as elementary
school, friends would ask if I wanted to find my birth mother or question “How
can you not know where you are from?”. People will say things like this all the
time to adoptees (I will get more into this in a future post). It’s bizarre and
scary for them to think that you don’t have information that they have effortlessly
available to them. At this young age, it was impossible for me to even begin to
understand the depth of this process and what finding my birth mother would
mean for my life. However, not knowing
was my standard quo and I was content with that. My parents had strong proud roots and
connections to their heritage, as far as we were concerned it was my heritage
as well. As I mentioned previously, my parents and I didn’t talk about adoption
very much together; they never wanted me to feel like their adopted child, I
was their child and what was theirs, was ours.
It was fascinating to me that friends found this circumstance
to be so interesting. Together we
hatched many plans about setting up a meeting with my birth mother while they
watched from a distance. We had no way
to carry this out, nor did I really want to. We were just kids, it was a fun spy like fantasy.
All children use pretend play to learn, work through
emotions and understand their world.
This was very true for me and working through what it meant to be
adopted. I would fantasize about who my
birth mother might be, perhaps I was a secret princess or a celebrity’s
daughter. I wondered if I had been born
a twin and at some point would run into someone who looked exactly like me. Life
was great, and my mind was wrapped in a fairy-tale. It didn’t occur to me until
I was much older that I may have been placed for adoption because of a negative
circumstance.
In my pre-teens I started to experience a few medical issues
that doctors could not find a reason for. As they had no family history to draw
from, it started to hit me that I was in fact different from the rest of my
family. Many years later, while completing my post-secondary education, I studied
child development and inherited traits.
My classmates all effortlessly commented on where their features had been
inherited from; parents, grandparents, sibling similarities, etc. This was the
first time I felt like I didn’t know that much about myself. Although I was a confident, successful and
driven young adult, I felt slightly lost. Who was I? Why did I have the features that I had? How
much of my personality was because of genetics and how much was from my
environment? (The classic question). For
the first time in my life, I felt the need to search for my birth mother, if
nothing else to learn more about myself and for any children I would have in
the future. As much as my parents had
provided me with everything I needed and wanted, they couldn’t answer these
questions for me.
So, the decision had been made but what did that mean. It meant the fantasies that I had as a child
could be shattered, it meant that I might find out some “not so nice” things of
how I came into this world and why I was placed for adoption. It meant I might be rejected completely. Looking
back now, I really had no idea how this decision would change my life, but how
could I have known?
Although my curiosity had been peaked, there were some potential
scenarios I needed think about before I started this search. How would I feel if I was rejected, or if
nothing came of it at all? What if my birthmother was someone who I wouldn’t
want in my life? Who was I opening the door to? What did I need from her? What did it mean
about me? I was nervous.
My life was very full.
I was a full-time student, doing very well in school. I had a wonderful
family that supported me no matter what.
I had a vast group of friends and life had always been happy and
fulfilled. What else was I looking for? The
answer was nothing. If nothing at all
had come of my search, life would have continued on its path without much
disruption. I didn’t NEED anything from my birthmother, but I was curious about
her and didn’t want to forever wonder “What if”. I was open to see what
possibilities may be.
Each person has a different experience and different
feelings about being adopted. The
decision to search or not is very personal, intimate and can certainly be terrifying.
I was very fortunate to be free from a
sense of loss until I was a young adult.
I have never felt anger towards my birth mother for making the choices
she did, but I also didn’t feel like part of me was missing or was longing for
that connection with her. My decision to
search was initially to find out more about myself, who I looked like, what was
her medical history and what was my genetic heritage.
I never could have
imagined how much she would add to my life.
I may not have felt that I needed anything then, but now I can’t imagine
my life without that giant piece. She is part me, where I'm from and part of the picture that makes me who I am.
In future posts, I will go into detail about the steps of
our communication and reunion, it demonstrates what a small and wonderful world
it is. If you follow me through my experience, it is not all happiness and
sunshine. However, my heart is full of
gratitude for what I have gained in my life. I have also had to make some tough
decisions to leave some stones unturned.
I welcome your questions and comments. If you are considering starting a search but
are afraid of what you might find, I completely understand. I hope you will
find this helpful
Sincerely,
PCF
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