It's a Beautiful Day

The day after meeting with the adoption disclosure worker at the Children's Aid Society (CAS), I received a call that would change my life forever.  I will never forget where I was standing in my home, my mom was only one room away.  The person on the other end of the line was quite brief and told me that they had found a biological relative match.  If she hadn't sounded so clinical I would have thought I was being punked! I honestly never thought that anything would come of the paperwork that I had filled out just one day prior.

Part of me was excited and curious but the other part of me was terrified. The fantasy was over, shit was about to get real.

I had so many questions...all leaning towards the negative

Who was this person?

What would she want from me?

What if she tried to take over my family life?

What if I was the product of rape or something terrible?

What if I hurt my parents?

Did I really want this information after all, or should I bury my head in the sand and make this all stop?

My mind was spinning, almost as though I had been caught doing something wrong, my stomach felt like I was at the top of a roller coaster. I was panicked that my mom could hear; I didn't know how I felt about all of this, had so many questions of my own and couldn't try to answer her questions too.

I don't remember the end of the call, but I knew I had to go back to the CAS office and pick up my non-identifying information (I had no idea what that was), as well as some sort of information package. You would think that when I hung up the phone I would have sped right there, I didn't. A few days later I met with the adoption disclosure worker again, she explained that non-identifying information was information that was provided by my birth mother when I was born.  She handed me an envelope, as well as a large package of pamphlets, books, letters, poems, etc. She told me that the material may help me understand my feelings...I didn't know what my feelings were, or what they were supposed to be. I'm sure I looked like a deer in the headlights.

She told me that my birth mother had signed the paperwork to search for me when I had turned 18, a few years prior. Wow, she had already been waiting years after taking the step to sign the paperwork, I had only waited a day to hear the news. 

They would contact her to inform her that I had made contact and would suggest that we move forward writing letters to each other, via the CAS.  The adoption disclosure worker asked if she could provide my first name, in a gut reaction I said "NO". This was all moving too fast, and if she had my name that brought her that much closer. (Little did I know how close she actually was...more to come in a future post).

When I got to my car I tore into the envelope containing my non-identifying information. The letter told me about my birth and Apgar score (which was interesting as I was studying child development and learning about these initial assessments). It also listed the day I went home to my family.  I was born prematurely and knew I spent time in hospital between birth and going home. However, I didn't know that it was 8 weeks in length or what day I officially left. 

The information that followed, caught my emotions off guard. It spoke of my birth mother, birth father, their parents and their siblings. Physical features such as height, weight, hair colour, eye colour, personal interests and activities were recorded. I broke down, I could now recognise where my features came from. It was a piece of ME, actually ME. The information all seemed very positive, everyone had good health and they all sounded like reasonably normal people, nothing to be afraid of. Although this was written over 20 years prior, it was just a little taste, but it was incredible.   

Once I had pulled myself together, I drove to my best friend Marie's house. I had barely told her that I had started the process, as it was all happening so quickly. She sat with me to read and re-read the document I had received. With excitement, she commented on the areas that had caught me so sharply, but mostly she listened to me read it over and over until I felt satisfied that I had absorbed all of the information. By the end of it, I was exhausted. This was the first step on a life long journey.

CAS contacted my birth mother shortly after I met with them to tell her that I had consented to contact. They called her at work to deliver the information (I can't imagine getting a call like that at work!). She was of course shocked, as she had been waiting a long time for this call. She distinctly remembers that the radio was playing the iconic song by U2, "Beautiful Day", it has been our song ever since.

Over the next few weeks, I spent some time reviewing the information package and pamphlets that I had been given. I read each piece trying to sort out how I felt or how I should feel.  It was a real mixed bag of information, much of it didn't speak to me. However, there was one poem that still makes me quite emotional and I feel reflects my childhood, reunion and our life moving forward.

~Legacy of an Adopted Child~ Author Unknown

Once there were two women who never knew each other.

One you do not remember, the other you call mother.

Two different lives, shaped to make your one...

One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.

The first gave you life and the second taught you to live it.

The first gave you a need for love, and the second was there to give it.

One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name.

One gave you a seed of talent, the other gave you an aim.

One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears.

One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried your tears.

One gave you up...that's all that she could do.

The other prayed for a child and God led her straight to you.

And now you ask me, through your fears,

the age old question unanswered through the years...

Heredity or environment, which are you the product of?

Neither, my darling neither

Just two different kinds of love.

Sincerely,

PCF