Hallmark Doesn't Make a Card for this Kind of Mother's Day

Although Mother’s Day is still a few weeks away, the cards in the store and constant online reminders quickly trigger the stress and anxiety I feel every year. It seems no matter what I do, I can’t get this holiday right.  Either I feel like I didn’t do enough, or I do nothing at all…and I’ve hurt everyone’s feelings.  Between my birthmother and my mom, every year it is an emotional tug-of-war that makes me feel like I’m leaving my birthmother out, or not being fair to my mom.

I lived in another province for about a decade, so I was able to avoid the holiday almost completely. Honestly, I didn’t even want to think about it  and actively tried to spend as little time on it as I could. I have now moved back to the same province that they are both in. So, I had no choice but to face my anxiety and emotions head on.  I needed to think about how I could possibly honour both of them and feel good about it.

I once had another adoptive mother explain to me how important Mother’s Day was for her.  She said it was more important than her birthday and Christmas as she only was able to have that holiday because of her son. He was her whole world and it was a special day for them.  I had never really thought of it that way…my mom only gets to celebrate Mother’s Day because of me…ok so that’s important.  Should she have to share this day with someone else? Is that what she signed up for? I guess she wouldn’t be a mom if it wasn’t for my birth mom….my head is spinning.

On the other side, my birthmother missed out on all of those mother’s days with me…really until now (as I have not done them well since we met).  But, she has 4 other children that she can celebrate with; does that mean I shouldn’t recognize her on that specific day?

Whatever I decided to do for my mom I felt like I had to do half for my birth mom.  If I did more or the same for my birthmother, I felt like I was being disloyal to my mom.  She was there for all of the tears, all of the fights, all of the smiles and she’s my mom, it should be her day. Right?!

There is no way that I could celebrate both of them the same on Mother’s Day. I don’t think that would be fair to either of them, and honestly it would be too stressful to me.  One thing was clear, I felt that my mom deserved to have my attention and focus on Mother’s Day, no matter how I looked at the situation, I came up with the same conclusion. 

Now the question is, how do I honour my birthmother.  Does she get my Mother’s Day leftovers? No, that didn’t feel right. What could be ours that was special while not impeding on this dedicated day for my mom?

I had what I thought was a great idea, it fit all my criteria and I hoped that everyone would understand the anxiety I felt over this holiday. My birthmother and I would celebrate Mother’s Day or “our day” on the anniversary of the day we met…not on Mother’s Day at all. How had I not thought of this before? There was no reason for them to share the day, I could celebrate them both completely and separately. The day we met should have been memorialized long ago, it was surreal, wonderful, crazy and incredible. There wasn’t a better day that we could celebrate the bond we have and the journey we have taken to get where we are now. 

I realize how fortunate I am to have two women in my life that I want to celebrate on Mother’s Day, so many people don’t even have one. However, as an adoptee in reunion, this is one of the stresses and anxieties I experience.  Rather than wishing Mother’s Day wouldn’t come this year, I decided to face it head on. Choosing to not only make it bearable but dynamic for me and all involved.

No one could have known about my anxieties and it is up to me to explain it to them. This means some awkward conversations, however opening up the conversation is part of the process, even when it is uncomfortable.  Even though I am “the child“ in the scenario, I am now a grown woman and now I have the power and responsibility to have the conversations that we didn’t have when I was a child. I trust the amount of time and thought I have put into this, will show how much I care and considered everyone’s feelings, but most importantly, my own.

No two situations are the same, and we are working on this day by day trying to figure it out.  As an adoptee there are many things that may not look “typical” and may seem unconventional, but there is nothing I would change about my exceptionally uncommon life. I would love your thoughts on how you handle Mother’s Day, are there things that you have done to work past anxieties.  Either here by post, or at perfectlychosenfamily@gmail.com

                                                                                                                        Sincerely,

                                                                                                                                    PCF