Am I “Chosen” or Rejected?

Using the term "chosen" to describe an adoptee can be quite controversial.  Some adoptees more strongly identify with being rejected or taken away from their biological family rather than being chosen by their adoptive family. 

In order to be chosen, it means that someone else did not choose them. So, how can adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents navigate this? Is it possible? Or are children who are adopted sentenced to feeling rejection for life?

As an adoptee myself, I can share only my opinion. Allow me to explain why I personally resonate with being chosen rather than left behind or given up.  As an adult in my 30's, almost 15 years into reunion with my birthmother, my eyes are wide open to loss and circumstance, and yet I am forever chosen

Let's start with loss. Many adoptees describe the act of being placed for adoption as an early trauma. Often one that they don't consciously experience or comprehend until they are in reunion with their biological family. As a child, I understood that being adopted meant that someone decided not to keep me, that can be sharply painful and can remain as a negative voice in your head when facing rejection in other areas of life. Sometimes, in quiet moments, I would wonder why my birthmother couldn't raise me. However, these moments were fleeting and perhaps gave me the courage to seek her out in my early adult life.

So, why was I placed for adoption? My birthmother was 18 years old. Her and my birthfather had been dating for a while, from all accounts it was a typical high school romance. However, even prior to being legal, my birthfather had issues with alcohol addiction and was often in trouble with the local police. 

Both of them were from large families, and yet very unsure of what to do with the surprising news of my conception. Some may question, with so much support why couldn't they make it work and raise me? I don't share that question.

My birthmother went into labour early, while the social worker was visiting her at the trailer she was staying in, hiding her pregnancy. My birthfather had recently been arrested for another DUI and was detained when I was born. After giving birth, she left the hospital and returned a few days later with my reluctant birthfather; she felt it was important that he see me in person, at the very least.  His name is not on any of my documentation, they broke up shortly after.

I never question why she made the choice she did. If she hadn't, what would my life have been like? Growing up with a father who had ongoing issues with alcohol, her trying to keep the relationship together for my sake. I would have been born with an impossible job of repairing a dysfunctional family. Knowing my birthmother now, I have no doubt that she would have done everything she could have to make my life happy. She is a wonderful woman and a loving mother and wife (to someone else). Unfortunately her circumstance at only 18 years old made that near impossible. 

In making the choice to place me for adoption, she made the best decision she could, putting my needs far above her own. Understanding the circumstances of my adoption took away any questions or wonder I had about why she couldn't raise me. The clarity and rationality removed any hurt I had felt as a child, not knowing if I was unwanted.

Instead, I grew up in a household full of love. With parents and an extended family who  adore me and would do absolutely anything to ensure my happiness, and encourage and support me unconditionally. Do I feel different from them sometimes? sure I do; We are family, who doesn't feel like they are different from their family once in a while, whether they are adopted or not!

Now, almost 15 years into reunion, it is impossible to not feel humbled with all I have. My life has always been and continues to be full of wonder and excitement. My family has more than doubled and the questions I had surrounding my adoption have been answered. We can all move forward creating new memories together. As a family, we have laughter, tears, trials and successes. It keeps life interesting and joy and struggle is part of what it means to be family. 

Even as a child, I have never felt anger toward my birthmother for her choice for my life. I don't want apologies, reasons or justification from her. If I had the ability to make the choice again today, for myself, and re-do my existence, I would make exactly the same decision. I will be forever grateful for her strength and the strength of my family for the life I have been blessed with. (More to come on gratitude in a future post). Yes, I was placed for adoption; I am the product of the love and pain of so many people, all with my best interests at heart. I was not abandoned or rejected, I was chosen for an incredibly exceptional life circumstance. 

Sincerely,

PCF

Image sourced from Whisper