You've Got Mail.....

It is a very interesting thing, to write letters to the person who gave birth to you...and yet is a stranger. Thankfully, my birthmother wrote the first letter. To my surprise she addressed it to me by first name. I had specifically told the adoption disclosure worker NOT to provide my name. Initially, I felt very exposed, however little did I know how much knowing my first name meant to my birthmother. 

When she was pregnant with me, her sister was also expecting. It was a very different circumstance as her sister was married and expecting their second child. She gave birth to a girl, born three months after me. By absolute chance, we share the same name! 

In the years between my birth and this early stage in our reunion, my birthmother had watched my cousin grow up, seeing where I would be in development and milestones. It had helped her cope with the loss of placing me for adoption. Life is a crazy thing!!

We wrote letters to each other for about six months. In her letters to me, she asked about my family and interests. I asked about her children (it was really cool to have siblings) and also asked about my birthfather. She regularly commented on how happy she was that we made contact and also how she would have done things differently if she could do it again. There was, and still is, quite a bit of regret on her part. In addition, she described how unkind the nursing staff, social workers and also my birthfather were to her during her pregnancy and delivery. She felt as though she had no choice in my relinquishment. Her sister was with her for my delivery and her mother saw me in the hospital after I was born. 

Although I didn't realize until I was able to reflect back on our correspondence, the tone of her letters clearly showed that she was trying to fill a wound that had been open for years. 

I however, was happy to share what my life had looked like up to that point. As I previously mentioned in "Fear of the Unknown", I wasn't searching to fill a void; I was open to what could be added to my life. For me, it was about abundance, not scarcity. I craved information about how we were similar, what her pregnancy was like, how long she was in labour....information that no one but her knew.

These letters were wonderful and told me about a piece of myself I never realized I wanted to know. The emotions they exposed were raw and difficult to process. As a young adult, I was finishing college and facing all of the "quarter life crisis" struggles about what the future would look like. Life, career, self. I had taken that discovery stage to a new level.

After picking up each letter from the Children's Aid office, I would meet my best friend at her house. We would sit together and read the letters; every word was exciting and very emotional. After reading the letter many times over, Marie and I would often take our dogs for a walk in the evening. This was our regular routine when we wanted to work through or talk about something life had thrown at us. We were in a small town and often wore track pants or pyjama bottoms while walking around the neighbourhood. Shockingly, this simple (and very comfortable) routine would become a significant part of my reunion story.

Exchanging letters with my birthmother affected me in ways I wouldn't have guessed. I was thankful for the time in-between letters as it gave me a chance to process the information that I received and also to consider what to write in response. I must have re-read her letters and my response to them twenty times before feeling confident I had absorbed all of the information and asked all of the questions I wanted to. Significant issues were discussed, and neither of us knew if the other was going to suddenly back out, and that letter would be the last time we communicated. 

I wonder now, with instant communication, if too much information can be given too quickly. Anger, sadness and fear are extreme emotions and in such a delicate and charged situation, anything communicated in haste can have consequences that could scar for a lifetime or derail the process all together. My advice to any adoptee, birthparent or adoptive parent making communication would be to take it slow, literally "baby steps". Take lots of time to think and be slow to speak. You've waited your entire life for this, savour every moment... One at a time.

Thank you for your interest in my story, I would love your feedback, comments and questions.

Sincerely,

PCF