Perfectly Chosen Family

Being adopted is something that adoptees have no choice in. In fact, it is the choices of those around us that decide how our lives will play out, or at least at the start. Our birthmother made the choice to place us for adoption. Perhaps reluctantly or without other options. Sometimes they are able to choose the family that we the child will go to, sometimes an agency makes that decision. Our adoptive family made the choice to adopt us.   Often this is because the option of having a biological child is not an option at all.   Adoption is almost never someone’s first choice.   In an open adoption, adoptive and birth parents decide together how often visits will happen, how communication will be handled.   Unfortunately, this can start a push and pull between “sides”. There is so much pain and fear, that the most important part of the equation can be overlooked; when the ONLY focus should be on the child and what they need or may want in the futu...

It is a very interesting thing, to write letters to the person who gave birth to you...and yet is a stranger. Thankfully, my birthmother wrote the first letter. To my surprise she addressed it to me by first name. I had specifically told the adoption disclosure worker NOT to provide my name. Initially, I felt very exposed, however little did I know how much knowing my first name meant to my birthmother.  When she was pregnant with me, her sister was also expecting. It was a very different circumstance as her sister was married and expecting their second child. She gave birth to a girl, born three months after me. By absolute chance, we share the same name!  In the years between my birth and this early stage in our reunion, my birthmother had watched my cousin grow up, seeing where I would be in development and milestones. It had helped her cope with the loss of placing me for adoption. Life is a crazy thing!! We wrote letters to each other for...

Using the term "chosen" to describe an adoptee can be quite controversial.  Some adoptees more strongly identify with being rejected or taken away from their biological family rather than being chosen by their adoptive family.  In order to be chosen, it means that someone else did not choose them. So, how can adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents navigate this? Is it possible? Or are children who are adopted sentenced to feeling rejection for life? As an adoptee myself, I can share only my opinion. Allow me to explain why I personally resonate with being chosen rather than left behind or given up.  As an adult in my 30's, almost 15 years into reunion with my birthmother, my eyes are wide open to loss and circumstance, and yet I am forever chosen Let's start with loss. Many adoptees describe the act of being placed for adoption as an early trauma. Often one that they don't consciously experience or comprehend until they are i...

The day after meeting with the adoption disclosure worker at the Children's Aid Society (CAS), I received a call that would change my life forever.  I will never forget where I was standing in my home, my mom was only one room away.  The person on the other end of the line was quite brief and told me that they had found a biological relative match.  If she hadn't sounded so clinical I would have thought I was being punked! I honestly never thought that anything would come of the paperwork that I had filled out just one day prior. Part of me was excited and curious but the other part of me was terrified. The fantasy was over, shit was about to get real. I had so many questions...all leaning towards the negative Who was this person? What would she want from me? What if she tried to take over my family life? What if I was the product of rape or something terrible? What if I hurt my parents? Did I really want this information after all, or should I ...